President Bush Signs Animal Rights Act into Law

After considerable partisan bickering and then an eventual compromise in congress, President Bush has finally signed the controversial Animal Rights Act (ARA) into law.

The ARA will provide new and wide ranging legal rights to all native-born animals in the United States. Among the myriad new rights included in the ARA are a minimum wage, slaughterhouse and roadkill survivor compensation, unemployment benefits, animal lanes added to all new federally funded highways, and abortion on demand.

While detractors have warned of numerous problems that will arise from the new legislation, animal rights activists have hailed the ARA as the biggest environmental victory since the original Clean Air Act. "Now all citizens of the United States, human and non-human, will enjoy nearly equal levels of protection under the law", declared Greenpolice spokeperson Butterfly Chang. "While we will continue to push for changes in the exemptions regarding the slaughter of animals for food preparation, we believe that this is a huge, positive first step".

As flocks of pigeons outside the White House took to the air in apparent glee over the news, numerous furs and mink coats were set ablaze by animal rights activists in a nearby park.

The new law also creates an Animal Rights Enforcement branch of the FBI, to investigate claims of federal law violations.

Already, some activists were finding fault with the new law. "Where does this leave immigrant and migrant animals, which constitute up to twenty percent of the animal population of the United States?", asked Reynaldo Chavez, president of 'All Animals Now'. "Even though these animals contribute immensely to the rich diversity of our nation's wildlife, they have been left out in the cold".

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