(Ottawa, Ontario) Canada's new conservative leadership has decided to not only
ignore its carbon dioxide emission limits imposed by the Kyoto treaty
it agreed to, but is now advocating greatly increased emissions.
"Let's be honest", said Natural Resources Minister Larry Gunn, "Canadians
are tired of freezing to death eleven months out of the year and having to drive
to Florida just to thaw out. We use a huge amount of energy for heating, and
the warmer we can make the climate, the better off Canada will be. Just look
where we all live…98 percent of us are on the border of our country, where it
is warmer. It is time to face the truth - warmer is better."
The change in position brought swift condemnation from environmental groups.
Enjoying a well-deserved rest in Cozumel, Mexico, a tanned Greenpolice spokeswoman
Rainbow Treetower chided, "Canada will regret this decision. We are already
mobilizing our workers to march on Ottawa. As soon as the St. Lawrence River
is ice free later this summer, we will be sailing to Ottawa to organize
In a curious twist, the recently cancelled "One Tonne Challenge" program,
which encouraged Canadians to reduce their carbon emissions by one tonne,
is being reinstated with a goal of increasing emissions by one tonne instead.
"We are encouraging Canadians to do their part to improve Canada's frigid
climate by increasing their energy use as much as possible. As the interior
of our country thaws out, we expect a gradual spreading of people and commerce
inland. We will be able to safely inhabit places where only the bravest
of us have been willing to venture to up until now."
There are still some Canadians that are skeptical of the new plan, however.
An employee of 'Mikes Ice Diving Rentals' in Toronto expressed concern that their wetsuit
rental business will be hurt if summer water temperatures were allowed to warm
up too much. "It will be economic disaster for us if it ever reaches the point
where people only need to put on a swimsuit to go in the water", he lamented.
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